You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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