What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
