I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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