Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
My liver is preforming stress tests.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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