he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
