Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Nicole vs. Life
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
