nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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