real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
