i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
