I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
