why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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