So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
