Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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