I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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