He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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