The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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