DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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