If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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