when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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