It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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