Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
