I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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