so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
