Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
The best revenge is premature balding
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
