I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
