no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
