oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize