god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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