i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
