Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
