grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
