when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
