Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize