My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
