I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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