There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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