I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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