If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
