i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
sarcasm needs its own font
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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