I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
