Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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