I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
