well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
