i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
