I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
