I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
