my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
