Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
