I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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