Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
