my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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