So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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