I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
