Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
