i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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