So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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