so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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