Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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