I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
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