look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
