I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
