she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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