matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
